because everyone ive ever known is jampacked into my bedroom im afraid that my parents will hear them and i will get in trouble cause they said the third time would screw me over but we talk anyways and planck says alternative school is alright but less fun because there are many more adults and in one of his classes theyve bolted the chairs to the floor and the distance between them and the desks is uncomfortably large when i ask about under his parents sink he gets all serious and shakes his head and tells me not anymore i study his pupils and the distance from his irises im embarrassed about the state my room is in clothes food wrappers and dishes everywhere im sorry i say sorry about the mess but they say nah its fine and i understand and stuff like that in a mostly unreadable way but planck says that he wants new music and i ask him what music because there is none and he points to the corner of the room and theres a whole set of really fancy speakers that i hadnt seen before hanging there nailed in and i ask him what its connected to and he looks at me all funny everyone is looking at me weird and i ask him again and he just shakes his head and tells me that if i cant change it i should at least turn it down and i ask him if hes pulling a prank and he pushes through the people to my dresser which moves with some effort and reveals a perfectly cutout crawlspace with an orangewhite light deep in there and he tells me that i shouldnt crawl towards it and i say okay and then he looks up back at the speakers and tells me that if i cant turn it down hed have to leave im responding when he grabs me by the head and starts shaking it and telling me that i have to have some way to do it i get frustrated and tell him that there is no more music and hes crazy and when i look back his eyes are widewide the kind of wide i was looking for and im afraid again and i remember how happy i was when planck moved away and why i hadnt seen him and he says this music turn off the fucking music dude and it tell him this is supposed to feel good this is supposed knock it off because my parents are sleeping and he calls my parents bitches who dont understand anything about anything and i tell him the things that ive always assumed about his dad and he just grips me by the hair now but his eyes are all pupil all black and i tell it cant be true and he says what and i say the cabinet and he says what does it matter now what does it matter youre robotripping and i tell him whatever the fuck im not and i see this faint light in it thats kind of like an iris but its growing and growing and i hear it and i say pills thats real fucking pills you do planck it is and he shakes his head and reaches down with one hand still holding my hair and hes so tall his head is sideways against the ceiling and he grabs the light like a knob and opens it and theres nothing there its not even darkness its just nothing and he tells me its nothing and the sound is nothing like this and its nothing like me and i am so frustrated that my words just become screaming and it doesnt matter at all because planck is telling me to keep going please dont hurt me youre gonna graduate youre gonna fucking make it

Macy Craig lives in Missouri. Her stories have appeared in Burial Magazine, HAD and Midcult*. You can find more of her work at macycraig.com.